Wells Clan Invades Midway

MIDWAY, Utah - Local Midway residents in disguise as Swiss immigrants had their town overrun by a southern Utah family. The Wells family converged on the small valley town for nearly four days.
Local Midway resident Adelheid Nef reported seeing the family drive into town, "They came in four different cars, it doesn't seem like a lot, but when you're dealing with this particular family, it is. Anyone in town can tell you that." The family stayed at the local WorldMark resort, a place scarecly able to contain them all. "They're like ants at a picnic. Once one gets a taste of the fasnachtsküchlein crumbs, it's all over. They all come swarming like an uninvited horde of nomads!"
Due to the reputation of the family, village residents formed a neighborhood watch task force, the first of it's kind for Midway, to keep up on their activities. Task force manager Johan Zubriggen stated that the task force was completely nessecary. "We heard reports from other villages, and this family is bad news. We have observed them running from crater to crater, taking no concern for the smelly black water pooled up inside them." Task force agent Marti Seifert reported seeing the family at the Zermatt Resort taking free rides on the carousel. "They didn't even pay!"
A troublesome activity among members of the family is the traditional Wells Family Race. The event consists of a series events in which family members team up and compete for a family trophy. "I witnessed it first hand," reported Trudi Bragger, WorldMark Resort employee and task force volunteer, "It was horrible! They take no thought for other members in the family during the race. They claw their way through each event, gnashing their teeth and spilling water all over the floor!" This year's race winners were Bob, Shayla, and Max. "My only hope was that they would all take each other out and end the madness." quipped Bragger.
The race was not the only catastrophe the resort avoided. "They stampeded through here like a bunch of stampeding stampeders!" said desk attendant Vreneli Hlasek, "First they tried to take over the swimming pool with minors during adult hour, then they ran to the workout room where they flew off the treadmill at full speed into the glass mirror, at the same time snatching up the little kid named Max from under them and landing on their back! I've never seen something so dreadful!"
Midway was not the only location inundated by the vicious ruffians. Cascade Springs in the Uintah National Forest was also on their hit list. "They came barreling down the mountain when I first saw them. Their cars were kicking up dust like a rodeo clown kicks weiner dogs. I knew the tranquil springs would never be the same." said Ranger Hank Mark. "They came to get away from the heat, what they really got away from was the heat I'm packin'. I ain't never missed when I'm trying to gun someone down, but I ain't never tried gunnin' down somebody from the Wells clan before."
"I spoke to one of them before they left. They tried telling me that the last thing they did was play games. We all know what that really means." said Ulrich Ubersechs, who spoke on condition of anonymity. "The family that plays games together stays together, and when you're talking about those guys, that is never a good thing."


Disturbing evidence from the event is depicted in the photographs below. Due to their graphic nature, viewer discretion is strongly advised.

The Wells Clan

Photographic evidence of the contested trophy.

Members of the family at one of the hot pots, or craters, Midway is famous for.

More evidence of the family at the hot pots. This is Shayla and Max inside the Homestead Crater.

Members of the family do their best to "blend in". Here is Max trying to emulate one of the local giant dandelions.

Not even the tetherball courts were safe!

Espionage, ninja, and spy tactics are taught at an extremely young age, as evidenced by this photograph of a young toddler infiltrating the building.

Shayla and Max at Cascade Springs.

Max and "Grandpa Wells" at Cascade Springs.

The Wells family spent time at the resort's pool perfecting the "human splash bomb".